i've finally come to terms with the fact that i am an early morning worker.  i get up at 6, i'm out of the house by 7, and that leaves me 3 solid hours to work and research and write.

today, i familiarized myself with ancient greek burial rituals.  i'm actually excited to teach such a dark and gloomy lesson today - odysseus descends into the land of the dead, coming face to face with his own fears. i think the kids will get really into the melancholic nature of the reading.

slowly, surely, i am coming to understand myself.  there are still difficulties, though: when the actions only effect me, i have no problem changing my behavior.  case in point, my work schedule.  i spent so many nights kicking myself, wondering why i was so unmotivated, why i felt so tired i could vomit...but as soon as i started going to bed early and waking up early, i felt better, and more complete.

when it comes to actions or desires that effect or involve another person, though, i am still reticent to speak up.  i still sit, fester, and stew in my discomfort because i am too afraid to say what i want.  that i want to be engaged with conversationally.  that i want to feel important.  that i want the trivial minutia that passes through my mind to be given voice, and a nominal level of importance.

sometimes i don't feel like i'm worthy of speech, because there are so few people who make me feel worthy of it.  so often i feel dumb when i open my mouth - or rather, that i should be struck dumb, and not have to concern myself with the anxiety of speaking.

nice things to have running through my head when i'm about to go speak in front of teenagers.  thanks, brain! 

even though i'm a fully grown adult, i still feel so sneaky "breaking the rules".

my parents are out of town on their honeymoon and i'm having my sweetheart over.  a boy in the bedroom, oh no!  

we're going to drink whiskey (even though it's a work night) and make pizza and play wii like little kids. for tonight, i'm going to push work out of my mind and enjoy a (very) rare evening alone, just J and I.

don't tell the folks! 

i don't know what's been going on with me lately, but i don't feel like myself.  i'm sluggish, my mind isn't as quick as i need it to be, i'm poorly motivated and exhausted.  i don't feel attractive or intelligent.  i'm lonely.

wahh, wahh, wahh.

there is still so much work to be done, and i've completely wasted this weekend.  now i'm in my working day, and i can't find the energy to really put my nose to the grindstone.  i'm freezing cold in my house and would give anything to have someone put their arms around me and tell me that i'm not as lame as i feel.

hooray for bad mood mondays.

i've given up ever being easily to get along with.  too much pleasing others and not enough selfishness.  so i will be stubborn and demand what i deserve; i will be a stick in the mud.

Well I was doing my best
Just trying to impress, still a sorry man
And I've got news for your ma
I'm the best she ever saw
No one could love your daughter like I do

woke up in the middle of the night last night to a needy, loud kitty and an anxiety attack.

toby was desperate to be let into my room, only to roam around for 5 minutes and then commence yowling at the door to be let out.  dumb cat.

i have a 13 hour day today.  teaching, a resume writing seminar, and my research methods class.  oh, the joys of graduate school!  i'm gearing myself up for it, wearing my comfiest skirt and pumping myself full of protein for breakfast, but last night, when i laid in bed and tried to control my breathing, i was not so confident.

panic attacks are the worst thing.  all rationality flies out the window and you watch yourself fall down into this pit, where the walls are slick with mud and grime and you can't get a hold to lift yourself out.  i'm a logical, reasonable person, but when i'm struck by anxiety, i am a child.  i stared at the ceiling in the dark last night and listened to myself say all variety of negative things - that i was terrible at my job, that i would never get to the end of my endless to-do list, that i would drive away everyone i loved with my dedication to this task.  beating myself about the head for an hour until i was finally able to stop whimpering and fall back into an uneasy sleep.

this morning, i do not feel rested.  

listening to this while I prep at the recommendation of a facebook buddy:

ambient noise for 24 hours.  i feel like i'm on an airplane.

crossing my fingers!

the job interview is today.  he will get it, he will get it!

i'm at coffee republic on folsom munching on a bagel slathered in brie and cranberry sauce.  my lesson plans look good and i'm feeling confident about friday's class (even though i still have a lot of prep to do).  i got to wake up next to best friend this morning.  it's almost the weekend.

i can make it.