there is an old man i used to see every day at Delta.  he would ride his blue road bike in, then sit at the bar talking to the employees and doing a crossword puzzle.  he always struck me as very friendly and full of health, and though we never spoke, he was a familiar fixture at my favorite coffee shop.

i was absent from delta for a couple weeks, and now when i see him, rather than riding his always-present blue bike, he hobbles in on a walker.  i wish i knew what happened to him.  seeing him crippled makes me sad for people.

everything is about to get very frenzied, very soon.  i'm enjoying lazing about watching E! for a little while, but soon i'm going to have to get up and start making things happen.  today is the day for all my final bouts of laundry/cleaning/packing.  i'm down to 6 days left now!

frustratingly, i found out yesterday that my last night here (sunday) requires me to...not actually be at home, so that my sister and her boyfriend can have a romantic birthday dinner with some "privacy".  i nearly shat a brick when my mum told me.  so...my last night at home i'm not allowed to be at home?

this just is one more reason as to why i hate my sister's boyfriend.  kicking me out of my own home...ridiculous.

i worry about my capabilities, as a friend, as a lover, as a listener and mother and caretaker, as a fighter and a mediator, a coffee slinger and chainsmoker, as a voracious devourer of art and literature, as a person, as a human being, as a piece of the puzzle, as a mouth breather, bottom feeder, space creature.

i worry that 

i am not good enough.

in light of having my iphone stolen in san francisco, i have found myself without a portable musicmaker, which makes breaks at work and walks around davis and housecleaning quite a dull and uninspired task.

so, my mother, being the lovely lady that she is, decided that she never uses her ipod and that if i wanted it, i could have it.  what a gesture!  that is, until i got it and realized that it was the ipod i had gifted my sister two years ago.  she had given it to mom, and mom gave it to me.  regifting to the MAX in my household!

but..hey, i'm not complaining.  yeah, i have a 4 gb hot pink nano which looks ridiculous when paired with me, the girl who doesn't really own anything of bright colour.  my only complaint is that pesky 4 gb problem.  i'm synching it now and it didn't even have enough room to hold my music, plus the music dan gave me.  i had to pick and chose, making carefully designed playlists with the music i know i never fail to listen to, and the few things i want to be able to hear on the go but that aren't tried and true favorites.  with only 4 gbs to work with, there is little room for experimentation.  i cannot look at my music library and say, "hey, i might listen to that sometime in the future..what the heck, synch it up!"  nope.  this little pink number wants absolute certainty in music selection!

i really wish it wasn't so that i get so ridicuously happy and excited whenever a boy enters the equation.  don't get me wrong - i am generally happy and excited about life in general, but the presence of a boy who has no shortage of kind words and kisses only seems to sweeten the deal.

come to think of it...that's probably pretty normal!  still, i'm used to being let down and i don't want to get my hopes too far up, just in case it isn't as wonderful as i'm thinking it is.

ok.  this really doesn't fit into my "don't talk about it or you'll jinx it" plan of action, but i can't help it!  i haven't been this full of grins in such a long time.  my house is full of the smell of raspberry tarts that i'm baking for our picnic on the beach tomorrow and i'm simply giddy and drunk off kisses and promises for more.  

golly.  what a girl!

going through your entire life and trying to whittle down your possessions to the bare necessities is a pretty stressful process.  i've just spent the past two hours cleaning out my closet and aside from clothing, i managed to get everything into one box.  the rest went in the garbage.  trinkets i don't need, books i read and reread enough to be done with...things.  clutter.  signposts from a life i no longer live.

i'm packing myself into boxes trying not to stress too much.

oh, life!

i've been so absent from this blog lately!  i think just that so much has been happening, i don't feel like sitting down and describing it all in great detail.  aside from my cellphone being stolen in the city, the rest of the happenings have been pretty damned good.

i don't want to talk about it because i'm afraid i'll jinx it, but is it possible that something good is coming my way?

we have a day trip to the beach planned for friday, with a picnic lunch and wine. oh, possibilities!!

oh, good morning.

i am doing my best to ignore the hangover that's behaving like a 5 year old child, demanding my attention.  if i leave it alone, it will go away.  i'd rather think of last night, drinking around the fire, talking with friends and the subsequent events that have my face and lips chapped this morning.

i'm bruised in the best kind of way.

it's monday morning and i'm at angela's in sacramento.
i was woken up by a text from someone i don't mind being woken up by.
we have coffee brewing and cherry turnovers in the microwave.

welcome to happy.