give me that old fashioned morphine

give me that old fashioned morphine

give me that old fashioned morphine

it's good enough for me

this is music for a porch life and sunsets and

the sting of metal

and the way your lips tasted chalky after you ate

your words before i had a chance to read them

this is music

in the way the birds exploded from

the mountainside after you fired your gun

for no reason

just to show how strong you could be

(i remained unimpressed)

it was good enough for my grandpa

and it's good enough for me

he used to live the porch life

until his shaking hands broke the needle

so the only songs he had were the

dead dear moans

it had been caught by the bullet and when

it staggered on to our lawn

i could have cried

do you feel strong now? do you feel strong now?

it was good enough for billy burroughs

and it's good enough for me

i read you bad

stream of consciousness prose

while you played the blues scale in E

missing half the notes

this is music for our porch life

self referential and b r o k e n

we started to find difficulty

in finding our veins

so we just drank gasoline instead

it was good enough for isabelle eberhardt

and it's good enough for me

it was the rain that

came up from the ocean that drove us inside

abandoning the corpses already

floating in the yard

you took your guitar and i

took my book of poems and we

burnt our wicker rockers in the middle of the room

i wore my dress long to hide my knees

like the bird bones hidden in my fist

you had a hat, it seemed

unnecessarily formal

the only music was the

cracking of the fire and the

water on the porch, rising to cover our necks

we were patient

waiting for the record to finish

give me that old fashioned morphine

give me that old fashioned morphine

give me that old fashioned morphine

it's good enough for me

i want to cry, i'm so frustrated. i'm home no more than a few hours ever day, i rarely ever sleep at my own apartment, and yet i'm the one who is forced to deal with the constant mess left by the roommates. and then - and THEN - i leave a plate with a little bit of food on it in the (already overflowing) sink and one has the gall to call me over and point at it, saying, "not cool, ashleigh, not cool."

the eggshells and crumbs on the counter aren't cool. the fact that they haven't vacuumed since we moved in isn't cool. the fact that there is garbage on the floor in the living room and a stack of recycling that reaches my waist in the dining room isn't cool.

fuck this place. i'm just so painfullt grateful that i have a boyfriend's house to retreat to, a bigger bed to sleep in, someone to tell me that it's going to be ok.

this year is going to make me crazy.

i have listened to this song every day, multiple times a day for a good 3 weeks now. something about the lyrics coupled with the delivery just hits me every time. i'm beginning to winder when it's going to get old, though, because i've never stuck with a song for this long before.

sage francis - sea lion

The force of my love was strong.

The sea lion lay down long.

Song in the air. Why should singer care?

When singer can be among song.

Ma, Ma--look what i did, Ma. Look what i did to my hands, I broke 'em.

You gave me the stone, gave me the chisel, didn't say how to hold 'em.

Didn't say to give away every piece of the puzzle 'til i was left with nothin'.

But i took it upon myself to crush it up and distribute the dust.

Get in the bus. Hop in the van. Jump in the water. Crawl to the land.

Build another castle out of sand. Break it down and then get into the saddle again.

I'm going city to city - i'm already lost. Tell the boss who is new in town.

I'll ride this horse 'til it it bucks me off and i'm forced to shoot it down.

I'll take him out for some gasoline. Trade this cow for some magic beans.

Gonna make mom proud of the deals that I made, 'cause I'm just a modern day Johnny Appleseed

But i'm glad that I never passed the genes, and I never put down the axe.

Piano man got a checkered dance floor to grace and a painful look on his face.

'Cause the crowd is packed and the louder they clap

the less he is able to make the connection between what he sees

when he hears certain notes and the hurt that is shown in his facial expression. Ahhhhhh.

I don't need your "go ahead" to go ahead. No, I know no one said it was gonna be easy,

but sweet jesus who wants to sleep with me?

Way too many moves to learn. Not enough people to put 'em on.

Look it, mom! No hands. I built this suit of armor with wooden arms.

The force of my love was strong.

The sea lion lay down long.

Song in the air. Why should singer care?

When singer can be among song.

my birthday is coming up soon! only 14 more days until i turn the big 2-0, out of the land of ages ending in "teen" and entering into the world of the Grown Up.

so naturally, i'm going to bake cupcakes and wear a party hat. because i'm so adult.

if any one is curious and loves me and wants to buy me a present, i am currently lusting after this necklace from foundandmade on Etsy:

isn't he beautiful? this girl takes found and antique charms and turns them into quaint little pieces of artwork! check it here.

other than that, i'm thinking i'm going to have a potluck at jordan's house and invite a few lovely people to share beer and good food with. maybe we can play scrabble. maybe we can sing songs. most likely, we'll just bullshit...but those are the best kinds of evenings anyways.

i am more than a little bit overwhelmed by all of this. i'm trying to settle back into something resembling a routine, but these days defy pattern and i feel naked without my rhythm to keep me covered.

keep on walking. things keep getting better. i cannot complain.

"i think you're worth waiting for."

<3

everything was all at once

terrible and good

because he was a mountain that you tried to climb barefoot

and when you reached the top you couldn't

see the air

with all the blood on the ground, all the blood in your hair that he wiped away

with a finger and a concerned look

it was terrible because there was a fire and you couldn't save your dog

it was barking in the bedroom but the hallway was full of smoke

and you couldn't breathe well enough to move

so you just lay in the grass and watched the

world burn down

you just lay in the sand and watched yourself drown and

isn't it lovely how the sky looks so murky when viewed through

rippling green waters that would have been cause for celebration

if they weren't the thing that made you go blind

in the first place

so you try to rub the dirt from your eyes,

you try to write a letter,

you tie a string around your finger to keep you from forgetting

but there is more dirt under your nails and

all the paper turned to ash

and it doesn't matter because by the time the knot is done

you've already forgotten what you'd woken up for in the first place

something about this weather makes me want to feel beautiful. during the summer, i constantly am fighting off sweaty and sticky brows, and i'm forced to wear shorts (which never flatter). but today, today is lovely. i reused my favorite summer dress with a long sleeve shirt underneath it and my new knit tights, dusted off my favorite peacoat and destroyed a pair of cheap boots in the damp. i ate peach cobbler and drank tea in class and shared a cigarette with a dear friend while we shared and umbrella. soon, my apartment will be full of the smell of cupcakes i'm baking for a potluck tonight.

my hair is curly and windswept and my cheeks are red and somewhere tonight, someone will be holding my hand.

We can do some wrecking here

Til a little color comes into your face

We can do some wrecking here

And find something to love

In this broken place

This broken place

going to go watch a soccer game, then play kickball, followed up with a head to head game of scrabble (!!!)

yes, there is a midterm tomorrow, but it's only in human sexuality,

and i'm chosing to study via practical application.

:-)