So, I've officially decided that I'm going to join the circus. I can't grow a beard and I can't juggle and I'm not flexible enough to do the splits, but maybe I can help train the bears to ride bicycles.

Or maybe I'll just go sit under the bridge in the arboretum and write poems like I used to.

One thing is for sure, I'm gonna force myself back into blissful ignorance. Because...people are terrible and they don't deserve me! Fuck the world! Hare FUCKING krishna!

It's been such a strange morning....

edit: i'm watching my roommate do a ridiculous kickboxing DVD in the living room and it's making me laugh, which is cheering me up. my dad came up and bought me indian food. i get to go sleep in my boyfriend's bed, even though he won't be home til late, and the thought of already being in bed, warm and comfy, when he comes home and crawls in next to me makes my heart extremely glad.

how can i be angry at the terrible people in the world when i'm surrounded by so much love?

i keep expecting things to happen that are impossible. staring up at the big glass building, watching the night overtake the day. i still count windows and remember pacing, patient. the bench on the hill with the moon overwhelming and observant. the hours and secrets and amazement. i was a student from berlin. everything was remarkable and new and we were continually shocked by the ease of it all. i keep expecting knowing that doors are shut and locked, and no amount of knocking will bring familiar sounds back. still, there are places i cannot go. this is not one of them, this favorite spot, looking up at the big glass building through curls of smoke and waiting, crossing fingers, pacing, patient.

i am an addict and i am broken and yes, this will kill me one day.

"i don't look at myself in the mirror because i'm a narcissist,

i just like to watch myself exist."

sometimes i don't know what to do and i make a lot of mistakes. i'm too eager, i say awkward things that make people feel uncomfortable, i wear nightgowns as dresses and hope that no one notices. i'm poor but i'm full. i see beauty in everything, i want to join the circus. i pretend to understand music and have perfected the act of feigning interest in things that could potentially interest me, but are way too over my head. i don't own that many pairs of shoes, but i wish i did. sometimes i feel like a newborn horse, all knees and wobbly ankles, and sometimes i feel like a statue carved out of marble and unmovable. i like to quote books in conversation and wait for someone to call me out so that we can discuss my favorite authors and for once, i can look like i know what i'm doing. i pretend a lot. i talk to myself. i make plans and lists and then never go through with them. i have big dreams but empty pockets so i let myself be content just riding bikes. i get lost easily. sometimes i still confuse my right from my left. i'm a terrible driver and hate being reminded of the fact. all i need in life is someone to let me talk without guarding my words, which usually means saying a lot of stupid shit, but the right person will love my mouth despite all the weird crap i say, and that's what i'm looking for. i hate censorship. i dream about inspiring a nation of disillusioned youth. i have planned my first day in the classroom already. i know what i will say, and what i will wear, and in my head the students love me and see me as inspiring even after the first hour. i think very highly of myself some days, and others, i think i'm worthless. i love antique jewelry but never wear jewelry. most of my clothes i bought at a thrift store. sometimes, i steal things. i have an extremely overactive imagination. my favorite fruit is pineapple and i think it goes well with anything. mess stresses me out, but if your house is messy, i won't say anything, as it is none of my business. when i'm depressed, i reread angela's ashes, which usually makes me more depressed but happy at the same time. sometimes my chest hurts and i can't explain it. i'm somewhat of a hypochondriac. i don't eat a lot. i really love to read my poetry to people and get their honest opinions. if i ask you to hear what i've written, it means i trust you, and that is a Very Good Thing. i don't trust easily. i miss my cats more than i miss my parents. i feel like a child trapped in a body too big for me. i like holding hands and being kissed on the cheek.

i love really, really hard.