i am full of contemplation today.

it was one of those nights where i went to bed inexplicably upset and woke up in a similar funk.  i'm working with myself to try and figure out why i go through these down-turns, but sometimes, i don't have the answers.  i had to fight with my body and mind to go to work today and put on a smile and an authoritative stance for my students.  i cannot let them see me weak or tired.

when the day was done, i stole the two hour break and ran home, climbed in to bed, and slept through my sadness.  it made my limbs feel a little less heavy and made coming to class tonight a bit easier.  still, i am not focused.  my mind is in a million places at once.

i understand that in part, my sore mood is due to me missing and wanting J.  i am frustrated by the distance between us, and that i only get to see my best friend on weekends.  it would be so much easier if he could just come to my house in the evenings, if i could just have him more often!  it makes me feel greedy and childish to want so much, but it's not unreasonable to crave the company of the person you love more than anything.

patience was never a virtue of mine.  but i'm working.  i'll get better! 

hold fast, the last of the true.  a friendly reminder.

i got hit with a bit of bad news last night.  after doing my taxes, i found out that the grant money i've been receiving from the university over the past 5 months is being counted as income, and with that, i am no longer eligible for my tuition waiver through Cal Vet.

i haven't had a paycheck since July.  the piddly grant checks I get every 10 weeks are all i have to survive.  i've been living in abject poverty, shopping second hand, spending nearly everything i have to put gas in my car, and this is what i'm left with.

if i want to finish my master's, i'll have to either pay out of pocket, or take out student loans for the entire cost of tuition.  i feel sick to my stomach just thinking of it.  i don't understand how they can count grant money as income.  i could not have opted out of receiving that money even if i wanted to, even if i had known in august that it would come to this.  i feel duped, and it's making it hard to get motivated to go to work today.  i bust my ass for nothing, not a cent, only for the betterment of myself and the intellectual advancement of 70 14-year-old kids.  the school i work for is damn lucky i love what i do so much.

J told me last night not to worry about things until i've gone and talked to a counselor at the Cal Vet office.  i'll be doing that today, though i'm nearly sure that there is nothing to be done.  still, i'm taking deep breaths and trying not to panic.  i have more important and immediate things to worry about.

speaking of J, he has a job interview today at his first choice place of employment.  every ounce of extra energy i have is focused on sending good vibes into the big blue, hoping and hoping and hoping that he gets the job.  it would be so wonderful to have some kind of paycheck coming in.

good luck to him, and good luck to me.  today is a day when we both kinda need it.

the triumphant return

so i stopped writing and let my life move forward.  now that i'm at a comfortable spot and i'm tired of movement, i'll write again.  funny how that works.  

i feel rusty and stiff, like i've been folded up in a box for the past 12 months and all my joints have calcified and turned to stone.  i need to stretch my legs and crack every knuckle in my fingers.

i need to breath a big old exhale and relax into writing again.  slow and steady.  we'll see how this goes.