the internet is an awful place.  for all the things i like about it there is something else i hate, no ground is ever made and i am constantly treading in the same damned place.

i cannot stand the fact that i willingly, upwards of 20 times a day, log in to a website that reminds me relentlessly that there are hundreds of people doing funner things than anything i will do in a 24 hour period.  i am reminded of my inadequacies.  i am told over and over again that i am single.  my ex is shoved in my face by applications i have no control over.  this site makes me miserable.

but the kicker?

i go back on my own volition, every single day, because i am convinced that if i delete my account i wills suddenly become unreachable, as if i don't have a phone number or an email account.  i cannot stand the idea of not getting invitations to events and shows that i will not attend in the first place.  without facebook, i do not exist.

or do i?

if you look at my wall, the only posts come from a pool of about 10-15 people, a respectable social group.  my friends list boasts 240 people.  so, if only 10-15 people post regularly on my wall and photos, then...who the hell are these other 225 people?

my personality has been taken from me.
or rather, i gave it away to an algorithm and a poisonous site and then i have the nerve to complain about it being invasive, misleading and insulting.

tonight i am having a party!  what could be better than a gathering of my closest friends for a potluck dinner, lots of wine, and pumpkin carving?

so in preparation i've been scrubbing my kitchen all morning.  it now looks better than i did than when i moved in (well - it will look that good momentarily, after i finish this wine and blog break)  i was lacking wine glasses, but after a trip to the SPCA this morning i now own 6 delightfully gaudy green wine glasses - only a dollar each!  they have gold around the lip and i giggle every time i see them.  so wonderful!

but yes, tonight.  party.  i'm putting ravioli and vodka sauce in the slow cooker to simmer for a few hours, and later i'll be baking this:

(courtesy of smitten kitchen)

pumpkin bread pudding!  nothing has sounded so decadent in a very long time.  i can't wait to have my house fill up with fall smells and to devour this with lots and lots of whipped cream.  

some days i wake up really lonely.
like today.

someone hug me.

painting my nails and watching Food, Inc. when i should be studying for my cognitive pysch midterm tomorrow. it's kind of hard to study for an exam that is open book/open note. i think i'll be fiiiine.

man, i really hope this movie scares me out of buying food at grocery stores. i've already cut out meat and buy in bulk as much as possible. No Impact Man made me aware of how much garbage i produce. this movie needs to make me more aware of where my food comes from.

5 minutes in and i'm already freaked out by the whole industry. yikes.

I'm working on a new story for 100F.  It took me a while to get going on this one, but now that I have some steam, I'm really enjoying the writing.  Though...it is taking an emotional toll on me.   the subject matter is heavy, and trying to do it justice is difficult to say the least.

"They are in the car, driving towards his childhood home where his mother and father patiently wait.  A doula for most of her entire life, Jacob's mother has been promised the birth of her first grandchild.  His wife is pregnant for the sixth time and they are both certain that this time they will deliver on that promise.

Margot has made it to the eighth month.  She is quiet, her head resting on the passenger side window leaving a greasy stain on the glass.  Neither has spoken in an hour.  There is the fear that if either one breathes too loudly, the baby will come and it will be too soon.  They have never made it this far before and the unfamiliar territory they now find themselves in extends out like a tightrope stretched between two mountains.  They are balanced in the middle and afraid to look down."

my baby bianchi is being worked on by a lovely fellow who knows much more than i do about bikes.  soon enough, i will be back on two wheels!  i miss riding my bike through davis streets, especially now with the weather cooling down and the leaves falling from the trees.  a lovely refurbished single speed will be the perfect addition to my autumn days!