i am full of contemplation today.

it was one of those nights where i went to bed inexplicably upset and woke up in a similar funk.  i'm working with myself to try and figure out why i go through these down-turns, but sometimes, i don't have the answers.  i had to fight with my body and mind to go to work today and put on a smile and an authoritative stance for my students.  i cannot let them see me weak or tired.

when the day was done, i stole the two hour break and ran home, climbed in to bed, and slept through my sadness.  it made my limbs feel a little less heavy and made coming to class tonight a bit easier.  still, i am not focused.  my mind is in a million places at once.

i understand that in part, my sore mood is due to me missing and wanting J.  i am frustrated by the distance between us, and that i only get to see my best friend on weekends.  it would be so much easier if he could just come to my house in the evenings, if i could just have him more often!  it makes me feel greedy and childish to want so much, but it's not unreasonable to crave the company of the person you love more than anything.

patience was never a virtue of mine.  but i'm working.  i'll get better!