i thought that if i stayed

quiet enough,

if i sat up straight and

kept my promises,

you'd stay

but you were less of a man

and more of an idea,

leaving the moment i tried

to realize you.

I can't think of any other way to better express how I've viewed the past 6 months.  It's been a fun, life changing run and I want nothing but the best for his future.  To my secret friend, good luck and godspeed.

I'll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it

I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it

You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I'll hold it

You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won't judge it

(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give

You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have

I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege

And you owe me nothing in return

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I'll grant it

You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you'll have it

You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I'll support it

You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I'll understand it

(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give

You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have

I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege

And you owe me nothing in return

I bet you're wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop

I bet you're wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up

I bet wonder how far you have now danced you way back into debt

This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is

You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I'll lose you and I'll hear it

You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I'll empathize with

You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion I'll hear it

You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I'll hold it

(and there are no strings attached)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give

You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have

I give you thanks for receiving it's my privilege

And you owe me nothing in return

i may very well be in over my head.

first and foremost, remember that you need no one.  

i'm going to go chant hare krishna in the dark and hope it brings me something resembling peace.

i've never been all-too interested in biblical stories, but ever since seeing a painting of samson and delilah hanging in an art museum in Dresden, i've spent ages trying to track down the same image online.  i don't remember the title, artist, or name of the museum (which makes for unlucky searching), but i have, in the process, fallen in love with all artistic representations of the pair.  the painting above is one of my favorites; there is a slight sadness in delilah's eyes, and the delicate way she holds the scissors shows a beautiful hesitancy.  

coincidentally, "samson" was one of the first songs by regina spektor that i ever fell in love with.  i remember distinctly a night in prague, walking through the city after a bottle of wine with one of my dear friends.  we stood on a bridge looking at the twinkling lights reflecting off the water, and i was singing that song in her ear before i kissed her.  it's a sweet and sad song, and every time i hear it i'm transported back to that place on the bridge, the stolen kiss, the taste of wine and the feeling of being bigger than my body.

You are my sweetest downfall

I loved you first, I loved you first

Beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads

But they're just old light, they're just old light

Your hair was long when we first met

Samson came to my bed

Told me that my hair was red

Told me I was beautiful and came into my bed

Oh I cut his hair myself one night

A pair of dull scissors in the yellow light

And he told me that I'd done alright

And kissed me 'til the mornin' light, the mornin' light

And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light

a poem:

two roads diverged in a yellow wood,

and i, like a dick

forgot to charge my 

GPS.

i haven't written anything in a long, long time.  not since the cobblestone and goodbye poems in May.  not much inspiration lately, but i'm thinking that might change in the very near future.

in other news, aside from buring my nose in literary theory and or consciousness studies, i've been lusting after the steampunk polyvore i found.  can someone please buy me a corset, pocket watch, and knee-high lace up boots?  the style is so incredibly sexy and i feel prettier just looking through the lovely album.  i also found this blog with lots of tutorials about steampunk mods.  it makes me want to stain my wood furniture dark brown and buy a clock that is just brass and gears to hang on my wall.  so much creativity looming on the horizon!

( i have to finish my painting first...eventually...i have a really bad habit of starting projects and never finishing them.  i still have cabinet doors in my car's trunk that i'm going to use as canvas, but not until i finish my dead tree.  meh.)

in case any of you were wondering, it is currently too hot to form coherent thought.

all i am aware of is the sweat in the small of my back, and the enormous amount of theory texts i have to read.  summer classes were a bad idea.  it's hard to focus in class when all you want to do is bathe in a tub of ice cubes.

i forgot to wear deodorant today...perhaps a walk to rite aide is in order.

:-(

went to the homestead last night, the soon-to-be empty homestead.  did vapor hits and sat on the floor, staring at the painting.  it's a ritual now.  we were serenaded by an indian man and talked about sushi and when company all went home we stood in the middle of the dining room and touched eachother.

"this is what dancing's about.  not sex, just touching."  i was rocking in the quiet and his hands were on my hips.  he grazed my sides, i touched his neck.  we gyrated and swayed and kept the important bits apart.  it was erotic without trying to be.  in my enlightened mental state it felt like hours that we stood there, touching, but i think it was only a few minutes.  i lose track of time when i'm high.  maybe i was there a lifetime; maybe i've a lifetime yet to be.

i don't remember what we talked about, and i don't think it matters.  i remember being so tired and talking about funhouse mirrors and fragmented people and rabbit holes.  the tumble-down rabbit hole.  i remember falling asleep and waking up over and over again, turning over, listening.  in the dark i tried to make out shapes, the glow of skin, the rise and fall of the chest.  i preserved it like a picture in my mind.  i remember spending the whole night in a tight ball, my muscles tense, making every conscious effort not to touch him.  the rules were clear and i never forgot.

time is running out but i'm doing my best.

my body is a wonderland.

i am tall enough to reach all the things on high shelves, and i look amazing in shorts and dresses.  my legs go on for miles and they make grown men swoon.

my fingers are long and i could play piano or guitar if i were so inclined.  

my breasts are perfect.  they incite, temp, amaze, stop people in their tracks.  they are a perfect handful, pink and pretty.  they are my favorite feature.

my ass is amazing.  it is high and tight and so white it glows, which is exactly how i want it.

this entire package works together to carry this clusterfuck of a mind through the muck and the mire and it does it's job in keeping me happy and motivated and confident.  my day is perfect when i can go outside looking beautiful, hair and makeup done, the right outfit done.  it doesn't make me vain, it makes me smart for using what i have in order to be happy.

and truly, i couldn't be happier with the body that i have, and i feel sorry for those people who are slaves to the gym and to calories and who can't find love for the only vessel that they've got.  this is all i've got.  love it or leave it, it's not going anywhere.

 

summer!  sunshine and coffee and tights and free time!

 

vacation highlights:

-kicked it off with a party on thursday.  pro:  i met a boy who held my hand and made me laugh and kissed me when he walked me down to my car in the middle of the night.  he's a little sweetheart and we'll be living in the same complex next year.  con: i took my girl buddy, who had a few too many shots and ended up throwing up on herself and blacking out.  it was pretty adorable watching this big, 250 pound guy holding up a bucket for her and then carrying her downstairs so her boyfriend could drive her home.  it was scary, because i was drunk and didn't know what to do with her, but we were with really good people who all chipped in to keep her alive, so to say.

- the days following the party were spent completely in bed, in pajamas, watching crappy shows on Bravo and talking to cute boy on Facebook.  oh, and working.  lots of working.

-  i have a week left of vacation before my summer class starts and i'm bogged down with literary theory and criticism.  good though, to expand my mind!

-shopping!  i bought two cardigans and a dress for under 40 dollars.  and from real stores, not goodwill!  (not that i don't love thrifting, but it's nice to have something new-new.)  i was really sad this morning because the top i bought last week got destroyed in the wash, and it was the first new thing i had bought in months...so i went out for some shopping therapy and found the best deals.  happy days!

- finally.  this little weeklong taste of what the next year is going to feel like has me optimistic.  i haven't spoken to him since last monday and i miss him painfully, but i'm ok!  i know he's out there somewhere in the world and i don't need to know where to be happy.  he's alive.  i just keep sending out positive energies and i know he's feeling it and sending it in return.  that's just how we work - two friends connected on a pataphysical level.  we don't need the side by side, the day to day.  we just need happy thoughts and the same moon in the sky to look at.

Out there no food no drink

How many days do you think 

You'd last with all your 

Diamonds and your pearls?

I'm not a king no 

Not a hero 

Not a fool

I'm not perfect 

I'm flesh and bones 

And I'm exactly what you need.

i am absolutely miserable today.

he's not even gone and i already miss him.

it's so strange, my habits are already changing.  i went to the MU to get coffee and now i'm sitting outside at the table I used to occupy fall quarter, before everything changed.  i can't stomach the sight of certain buildings today.

i'm well aware that this is a cognitive error, that we will be friends despite distance and time.  a few states between us can't change the friendship; i won't let it.  part of me wants to throw an epic tantrum, stomp my feet and pull my hair out but it would be so much easier just to smile.  tell myself nothing will change, because i know nothing will change.  i don't need someone in my day-to-day to have them be a part of my life.

but still.  knowing that the option isn't there to walk into my favorite coffee shop and see him studying there makes my chest hurt.  and i know, i know a new reality will emerge wherein these days are memories, happy but firmly in my mind, but until that happens i can only see a future full of holes where love used to live.

don't say goodbye like you're burying him

cos the world is round and he might return.

i am pushing my panic button.

don't worry, i'll sort it all out.