sometimes.

sometimes i'll be walking through campus and i'll see someone who, from behind, looks very much like him and then i'll remember and it will hit me like a sack of bricks, and my stomach will turn and i'll choke on my words and be somewhere close to tears, because i'll remember that i am here living in the absence and there is nothing more wicked in this world than being reminded of that.

stop reminding me.  can't you see i'm trying to be happy?

i am avoiding the places that we used to meet because i don't want to see them without you there.  does that make me strange?  maybe.  but it makes it easier to forget.

oh, world.  go easy on me.  

in 10 minutes I will walk to campus and study for my final.

in 10 minutes I will walk to campus and study for my final.

in 10 minutes I will walk to campus and study for my final.

in 10 minutes I will walk to campus and study for my final.

in 10 minutes I will walk to campus and study for my final.

blech.  one more cup of coffee first.  

note to self...don't drink the night before an exam.  hangovers are not conducive to good studying.

good morning, all you pretty things. <3

after being inspired by my darling teresa's list of things she loves, i thought i might do the same.  nothing starts the day off better than thinking of happy things, instead of the intense string of nightmares i had last night.

(t, are we living a double life?  we both have nightmares, we both love things, we both miss eachother...i think we might be the same person in different bodies...)

I LOVE

iced coffee with raw sugar and soy

menthol cigarettes

my macbook and iphone

skinny jeans

finding shoes at goodwill that fit me (two pair, last week!)

thrifting 90% of my closet and having no shame in the fact

dresses that remind me of my childhood

fashion blogs

blogs in general

irish literature/music/film/people (i'm in a current state of constant lust for The Pogues and Flogging Molly, even though FM is a sort of main-stream version of Irish punk.)

my job at Starbucks and my new location

my car

my lovely besties, angela and jennifer, who have my back through everything

missing him in the best sort of way

late night FB chats

bangs (and haircuts in general)

feeling sustainable

delta of venus

my fall 2009 school schedule

my new roommates and my tiny, loved, not yet lived in loft

smiling

dave matthews 

phew!  now, when you think about it, that's a WHOLE lot of happy balancing out all the ugly in the world.  can't help but grin when i think about it.  things can go to shit, the whole world can go to hell in a hand basket but if I'm wearing a cute dress walking through downtown Davis with "#40" playing on my headphones, i can do nothing more but laugh and dance because life is so goddamned beautiful it hurts.

hello everyone!!

it's only five and so far I've:

• spent an awesome two hours climbing with Lundy, getting back into the groove of the harness. my hands are chapped and chalky and my shoulders ache, but damn, it felt so good to be working out! climbing has always been the only sport i can tolerate and i can definitely see myself becoming a regular of The Rocknasium in Davis. the staff there was incredibly friendly and though slightly small, the gym has a good variety when it comes to difficulty. next time, bouldering!
• caught up with my indiana buddy. i'm so glad to hear that his impromptu vacation went well and that everything is right on track for him!
• gone shopping. it's funny how a year ago, i would have turned my nose up at even a sale rack in Macy's. now, goodwill is the only place i really shop. i got three new dresses and two tops for what one dress in a regular store would have cost. funny how the little things make me so happy. :-) i have no money, so i've stopped caring and now i just have fun thrifting!

now, i'm at Angela's in Sacramento on my second beer, eating fresh baked cookies and waiting for her to come home. Much love to everyone in the universe. I hope you all are as happy as I!

oh happy day!

many thanks to harriet for selecting me as the winner of her giveaway!  i'm now the proud owner of this gorgeous Moyna clutch:

I thought it was really cute when I saw it on her blog, but I didn't realize that it cost (*Gasp!*) 159$!  When you're having to scrounge for enough cash to buy gas every two weeks, a prize like that makes you feel pretty good..

So, thanks again Harriet!  

Today is going to be a lovely day, if not just for the fact that I have NO SCHOOL.  I can't take much more of Morton's monotone ramblings.  He confuses himself, even, which makes me highly doubt his abilities.  Yesterday, we're sitting and he's rambling, as per usual, and after about 20 minutes he stops, looks up, and says, "Wait, what happened?  How did we even get here?"  He's incapable of staying on track which means I'm incapable of staying off Facebook ;-)

But really, a fabulous day because I'm going rock climbing with Mr. Lundy (who despite having never actually been my teacher, cannot go by any other name).  Then, it's off to Sacramento for Game Night at Angela's place.  We ransacked the Goodwill yesterday and got a bunch of old school boardgames.  Hi Ho Cherrio, Candyland, Pictionary...I'm so excited!

I hope you all have a good day as well!

  

this post coming to your from the lovely harriet in an attempt to win the clutch she's giving away on her blog.

cheers!

it's a sad day in the ashleigh literary world.  my favorite author, frank mccourt, died last night.  i can't begin to express how that man's writing shaped the way my life has played out since first reading my father's dog-eared copy of Angela's Ashes.  I didn't want to be a teacher until I read his books, and now, I don't know any other option.  He was in the inspiration for everything.  

I'd always dreamed about running into him in a New York coffee shop and telling him how much his writing changed me.  I'll have to wait for that chance meeting now.

Rest in Peace, Frankie.

i never want it to go back.  

this quiet, this freedom and peace.  i don't understand how i ever did without.

the messes are mine, and i clean them because they are such.  i turn off the lights and go to bed at a reasonable hour not because someone is telling me to, but because i know it's healthy for me.  i cook meals not to feed others, but because i know i have to feed myself.

it's pretty much official...any doubts i had about leaving home have been pushed aside after this weekend.

i am so ready to be independent.  new chapter of my life, one month to go.

this has been the most lovely weekend!

the whole family has been gone, so i've had the house to myself since saturday morning.  saturday night i had a date night with casey, indian food, rauchenzeit with michelle and good, good conversation.  it was a luxury to come home to an empty house, spread my painting things out in the living room and play music as loud as i wanted.

last night, i had a few friends over for dinner.  i managed to recreate the pasta sauce we had on the Last Night with a certain level of accuracy, except for the fact that I had to use Hunts tomato paste as opposed to Oro Di Parma (the greatest paste ever, IMHO.)  We had wine and champagne and a cake that I baked, and it was so wonderful just to sit with good people, laughing til my sides hurt.

it was a bit of a shock this morning to walk into the kitchen and see the aftermath of my night:  a sauce-splattered oven, sink full of dishes, and a counter smeared with chocolate frosting and ringed with winemarks.  I've got quite a day of cleaning ahead of me, but for now, I'm enjoying No Reservations and my newfound lust for Anthony Bourdain's pithy voiceover commentaries.

love and kisses,

ashleigh

There is a house by the sea

And an ocean between it and me

And like the shape of a wave

The jealous sisters will sing on my grave

And I've been living to run where they led

And I've been dying to rise from their bed

And I've been sparing my neck from their chain

And they've been changing the sound of my name

And I've been swimming to them in my sleep

And I've been dreaming our love and our freedom

1. i'm sick at cranky and hot, so in general, pretty miserable

BUT

2. i just got frozen yogurt with my aunt and have a happy tummy.

3. going to the city tonight with rachelle and spencer.  i can't wait to take pictures under the stars looking stylish and holding hands.

4. my family is ridiculous.  1.5 more months.

it's time for ashleigh to be a stress monkey!

i have a paper due in two days that i should be writing right now, but instead i'm sitting outside and drinking coffee and blogging and generally shirking anything resembling "scholarly duties".  went to the coops this morning to pick up a few pounds of coffee for my friend, stuck in the middle of nowhere with nothing but folgers to drink.  poor man.  :-(  i can't wait until i'm here and settled and i can buy fresh fruits and veg at the coop without my mum getting on my case for wasting money at things i could have bought at winco for cheaper.

on an aside, the weather today is gorgeous.  it's warm, but there's a breeze blowing and my legs look fabulous in little denim shorts.  i'm happy.  nothing like the sadness that i had last week. maybe i'm just adjusting, relearning how to do things by myself.  it feels like an accomplishment, however small.

if i finish my schoolwork early enough i'll write the two letters i need to get done, and maybe get some poems on paper that have been floating around in my head.  otherwise i'm just gonna keep on swimming and smiling and generally enjoying life :-)

-all at once-

you were all at once

a bird and a tree branch

both broken, 

a stick in the grass and a trail

of feathers speckled with blood

you were a skyscraper

at dawn

back ringed by pink light

and a mute mouth

choking on promises

that could not be spoken

you were a sailboat 

with a broken mast and

the waves that stole it from you

both creation and

destruction

two colliding forces contained

by tanned skin and a 

need to fly

-untitled-

on the first night of the

new year we stood, 

smoking, surrounded by sculptures

with exposed breasts

and the air was electricity

our hands, conducters

we sent sparks into trees

and they burned in the dark

the only sirens were low, hushed

admontions of absolute fact

"it's getting late."

"our soles are touching."

"please, don't stop." 

when we got out of bed there

was ash in your hair

and my mouth was bruised

but i licked away the evidence

and sent the burden

of my secret out into the world,

spread out charred before

our feet

stealing beauty through the 

fire in our bellies

"Do you ever miss him?" she asks me.

"Every day.  Every minute."

"Every minute," she says.  "Yes.  It's that way, isn't it?"  She turns on her side and burrows into the pillow.

"Goodnight," I say, turning out the lamp.  As I stand in the dark looking down at Grandma in the bed, self pity floods me as though I have been injected with it.  It's that way, isn't it?  Isn't it.

I'm rereading The Time Traveler's Wife and every few pages or so there's this big shuddering breath and I'm close to tears again, and I can't help thinking that somewhere there's a Henry and I'm that big missing chunk of his future, and all I have to do is be patient but I'm so tired with the waiting and missing him.  I think I am in love with a stranger, a ghost, someone without a name or a face but someone who is so entirely mine.  

I don't want to be alone.  I don't want to think about these days like giant puzzle pieces and going through the tedious process of fitting them all together until some day in the as-of-yet undetermined future when I can finally see the bigger picture, and I can delight in the completion of everything.

Today is a puzzle piece day.  It has no meaning so far out of context.  I am alone and missing him (whoever he is).  After class I will go out and get too inebriated to think clearly and maybe then it will make the burden of this longing a little easier to bear.